


Our Eyes Search Just to Know

by Zoelily



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-19 00:38:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2367821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoelily/pseuds/Zoelily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written a long time ago and posted on Live Journal.  Trying to gather up some writing all in one place.  I always loved these boys and looked for any excuse to squish them together.</p>
<p>This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling and various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  I own nothing!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Our Eyes Search Just to Know

**Author's Note:**

> Written a long time ago and posted on Live Journal. Trying to gather up some writing all in one place. I always loved these boys and looked for any excuse to squish them together.
> 
> This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling and various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I own nothing!

Dean fingered the worn parchment in his hand, turning it over and over as if the words or reasons behind them might change somehow. He’d read it so many times. Just a few simple words, but yet they held so much meaning, so much potential for change.

_Dean,_

_I’m so sorry. Please forgive me._

_~Seamus_

He hadn’t spoken to his best mate in over a week; since leaving Hogwarts for Easter holidays actually. The letter had arrived on his first day home, and he’d been completely miserable ever since.

It had all started innocently enough. The boys had spent a lazy Friday evening flying down by the lake. The air was still crisp and cold, not quite warming into spring just yet, and eventually chilled fingers and toes had brought them back to the warmth of the Gryffindor common room.

Dean thought back to the conversation of that afternoon and sighed heavily. What a mess.

~*~

 

“Exploding snap, mate?” Dean asked as they settled into the comfortable armchairs warming their icy hands with hot tea.

“Nah. Let’s just sit for a bit, ok?” Seamus answered softly.

They curled into the chairs in comfortable silence, enjoying the warmth of the tea and the crackling fire in the common room.

Dean was so relaxed he almost jumped out of his skin when Seamus spoke.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Shay?” Dean replied lazily.

“Can I ask you something?”

Dean snapped out of his haziness a bit with the seriousness of Seamus’ tone. His friend wasn’t known for his joking nature for nothing. Seamus was rarely serious about anything. “Of course, mate. What’s up?” Dean replied, sitting up a little straighter.

“What would you say if I told you I might be gay?”

Dean stifled a laugh. “Are you serious?”

Seamus suddenly looked terrified.

“Seamus, honestly, I’d ask you what took you so long to figure it out.”

“You knew?”

Dean reached over and punched his friend playfully in the arm and laughed a little. “Well, I just assumed I suppose. I don’t know why exactly, just you’ve never shown any interest in any of the girls in our year, even when the rest of us are falling over each other trying to get their attention.”

Seamus looked determined, as if he were struggling to get his emotions under control. He lowered his voice and spoke softly. “I wasn’t sure. I mean I’ve felt something was different for a while, but I couldn’t figure out quite what until this past Christmas holiday.

“Don’t look so worried, Shay. I’ve known you for seven years, probably better than you know yourself sometimes. And you know me, I’m pretty perceptive. I knew you’d come to the right conclusion eventually.”

Seamus grinned a little at that and gave Dean a little shove back. “You know, you might’ve let me in on this little piece of information.”

Dean actually did laugh at that.

“So mate. What happened over Christmas hols to bring on this epiphany?”

“Ahhhh, now that’s a story.”

Dean relaxed into his chair. Seamus’ stories were never short so he thought he’d better make himself comfortable.

Seamus took a deep breath. “So there’s this bloke I know back home. Always been a bit of a poof. Ya know the type, yeah?”

Dean nodded.

“Well he asked me to go to a club; a muggle club, one night. So I’m thinkin’, why not. Been stuck at home for a week with me Mam, I could use a little fun.”

Seamus toed off his worn trainers and curled his legs underneath him on the chair before continuing. “So we get to this club. Music’s thumping, lights are blinking. Looks fun, ya know. But there’s one thing I notice. No girls. Nope, not one bloomin’ bird in the whole place. Well you know what that meant dontcha?”

Dean just grinned.

“Yeah, you got it, mate. Gay club. Just a buncha shirtlifters. So now I’m a little annoyed with myself for not expecting that, but I figure what the heck, music’s good, I need a night out, so I grab a pint, find a piece of wall to lean on, and watch the scene.”

“How was it?” Dean asked, definitely interested in where this was going.

Seamus leaned in closer, letting his friend know they were getting to the best part of the story.

“Well it wasn’t so great at first; just a buncha half-dressed blokes sweating to the beat. So I had another pint while my mate hooked up with some pansies across the bar. Funny thing happened though, once I downed my third round, my feet started tapping and those boys up on that dance floor started looking a darn sight fitter.”

“So, did you dance?” Dean prodded. Honestly interested in Seamus’ tale.

“I was getting to that part. Don’t rush me.”

“Alright. Go on then.”

“Yeah, so I’m leaning against this wall, really starting to feel the music and the beer of course, and this bloke comes up and motions to the dance floor. I think, why not. Looks like it could be fun, so off we go.”

“And?” Dean said impatiently.

“And, you’re rushing me again, Dean.”

“Okay. Sorry,”

Dean sat back again and listened.

“We start to move. Ya know, getting into the beat. It’s amazing how it gets to you. All of a sudden it’s getting hot and this bloke is right there, rubbing against me in all the right places. I’m just going with it, not really thinking about anything but the sounds and the heat around me and then he starts kissing me.”

Dean’s eyes widened and he moved in closer to Seamus, feeling a little flushed himself all of a sudden. “Did you kiss him back?”

“What do you think, Dean? Yeah, I kissed him back. It was incredible. The heat, the feel of that lean muscle against my skin; it was intoxicating, and I don’t think it was the beer.”

“So what happened next?”

“Do you really wanna know?”

Dean’s knees were practically touching Seamus’ at that point, he’d moved so far forward in his chair. He nodded intently, urging Seamus to finish.

“He rubbed me. Right there in the club in front of everyone, although I doubt they noticed; rubbed me right through my jeans and finished me off right there on the dance floor.”

Dean just stared, completely oblivious to anything except Seamus who’d just told him he’d let a bloke practically pull him off in a crowded club. He’d never been so glad the common room was empty as he was right at that moment.

Seamus just stared back, and Dean held his gaze as Seamus’ hand tentatively reached out and his fingers trailed lightly down Dean’s arm. Dean felt the goose bumps rise on his dark skin as his whole body shivered slightly at the touch.

Dean knew Seamus was going to kiss him just moments before their lips touched, and he never moved; just sat there stunned while his best mate slid his hand behind Dean’s neck and pressed his lips more firmly against his own.

God, it felt incredible, and Dean could feel his whole body, especially the lower regions, instantly respond to the closeness.

Dean’s head was swimming, his mind was cloudy, and he barely acknowledged the hand that wasn’t his own creeping slowly across his knee, and then he froze. Seamus pulled back, seemingly to see why Dean had halted the kiss.

Dean looked up at Seamus shakily.

“Fuck!”

“Dean?” Seamus questioned.

“I can’t… I’m not... Just fuck.”

Dean jumped from the chair, knocking his cold tea flying onto the carpet and bolted from the common room and straight up the stairs.

Seamus ventured up to the boy’s dorm a little while later, calling Dean’s name softly as not to wake the other Gryffindor boys.

Dean laid there, eyes closed tight against the darkness, and pretended to be asleep.

~*~

 

Dean folded the creased parchment one more time and set it on the night table.

They hadn’t spoken again since that night. The following morning, Dean had managed to avoid Seamus on the train home by sitting with Neville and Ginny. Seamus, he presumed, had sat in their usual compartment on his own.

Easter holidays had been a disaster so far. Dean was distracted and irritable, and his whole family was becoming frustrated with his mood.

Dean couldn’t get Seamus out of his head.

Seamus was gay. That was a fact Dean had come to terms with years ago even if Seamus hadn’t. Dean, on the other hand, wasn’t; or at least he hadn’t thought so. He’d dated Ginny Weasley in sixth year, and Parvati Patil for a while after that. Both relationships had been fairly short lived, but he’d enjoyed the snogging and groping while it lasted.

He tried to conjure up images of kissing Ginny, or Parvati, or any girl for that matter, but it was always Seamus that invaded his thoughts, which almost always ended up as a frantic wank in the toilet. Dean didn’t think that was a very good sign. Did snogging his best friend make him queer? If his muddled thoughts were any indication, he wouldn’t be averse to doing it again. God this was maddening.

One thing he was completely sure of was that he missed Seamus. They’d always owled back and forth during holidays, and Dean was lonely and feeling the lack of communication with his best mate. He wondered how Seamus’ holidays had been. He wondered if Seamus was as confused as he was.

~*~

 

The Hogwarts Express was bustling as always the following morning as students greeted each other with tales of their holiday fun. Without putting much thought into it, Dean made his way to his usual compartment, the one he always shared with Seamus.

He slid open the glass door and closed it quickly behind him to shut out the noise. He’d stowed his trunk in the overhead compartment and plunked himself down on the bench seat before he realized he wasn’t alone.

“Hey, Dean,” Seamus mumbled, never taking his eyes off his feet.

“Hey, mate.”

They both spoke at once, cutting each other off.

“How was your…”

Dean looked up at his best friend. Seamus’ eyes betrayed his nervousness and instinctively Dean reached over and placed his hand on Seamus’ thigh. He could see the fear in Seamus’ face, accompanied by a look of pure longing and a neediness that Dean was just realizing he felt just as strongly.

“You go first.”

Seamus took a deep breath. “Dean, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too,” Dean whispered, realizing he hadn’t moved his hand away yet and knowing right that moment he didn’t want to.

Seamus’ hands were folded in his lap. Dean reached down and picked one up, slowly intertwining his fingers with Seamus’. Dean had never noticed before how much larger his hands were than his friend’s. He sat silently for a few minutes, tracing tiny circles against Seamus’ palm; dark skin enveloping light, moving in silent, calming caresses.

“Dean?”

“It’s ok,” Dean reassured. “We’ll just take it one day at a time.”

Seamus smiled and Dean realized just how much he counted on that sappy grin, how much he’d missed it. Gay or straight, right then it didn’t matter; he just knew that he needed Seamus as much as Seamus needed him.

“Uh, Dean?”

“Yeah, Shay,” Dean answered contentedly.

“I guess maybe you’re more perceptive about my love life than you are about your own, yeah?

Dean grinned at his best friend. “Yeah, mate, seems you’re right about that.” He squeezed Seamus’ hand tightly. This time there’s no way he was letting go.


End file.
